The Third Wheel
by Charmed Ravenclaw
Summary: The third wheel. No one likes being a third wheel. Especially when there are awkward moments where the other two wheels try to include you in stuff. Or when they're making out and you're sitting there right next to them in the carriage. Not nice.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The third wheel. No one likes being a third wheel. Especially when there are awkward moments where the other two wheels try to include you in stuff. Or when they're making out and you're sitting there right next to them in the carriage. Not nice. Particularly when the carriage hit a bump and they fell on top of me, still making out. I am traumatised for life.

You're probably wondering who I am and what I'm talking about. Well, my name is Harry Potter and my two best friends; Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger started dating a while ago. It was driving me nuts when I could tell they 'liked' each other without doing anything but now they were doing something about it, it was driving me even more nuts.

I discovered this romance when I was at The Burrow sharing Ron's room for the holidays. You know what's worse than having nightmares? Getting to know you're best friend too well. I was actually sleeping pretty well for a change when I heard moaning. Ron's moaning.

My eyes snapped open. Was he in pain? But then I checked him; he was just sleep talking. I rolled my eyes and was about to go back to sleep when I heard him say something.

"Mmm, Hermione."

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well for the rest of the night. I was very embarrassed to ask him about it the next day but I did notice he was paying particular attention to Hermione in her practically see through nightdress. In fact, he was paying so much attention to her he spread butter on his hand instead of his toast.

"Ron, what are you doing?" Hermione asked.

His ears turned that shade of red the only way a Weasley's could. His mouth opened and shut a few times like a goldfish's and a few stutters came out.

"Honestly Ron close your mouth I can see bits of toast rolling around in it," Hermione said and picked up the paper. Ron decided to forget breakfast and left the room.

From then on I noticed the way Ron acted around Hermione. Not to mention the dreams he kept having afterwards… Eurgh. That first one was scary enough but later it got scarier and scarier. When I started wearing earmuffs he began to notice something was up.

"Mate, what's with the earmuffs?"

"Erm… Well your snoring has been keeping me awake the past few days so I've decided to take action."

"Harry, you've never had a problem with my snoring before."

Damn, he's getting smart. "Er…"

"And you've been looking at me funny too. What's up with that lately?"

"Er, you don't wanna know. It's very embarrassing."

"Come on you can tell me, we're best mates!"

Hmm. How do you tell your friend that your problem is really his problem? Well really, there's nothing real delicate you can do about it so it's just easier too be blunt.

"Lately I've been hearing you sleep talk. And some of the stuff you say is pretty… disturbing."

"Oh. What did I say?"

Damn, he just had to keep pushing it didn't he? "Well you've been groaning about Hermione."

That did it. His ears were red and he never questioned me about my precious pink fluffy earmuffs ever again.

Later on I unwittingly found Hermione's side of the story. You know how girls constantly gossip about things? Well, when we started Hogwarts once again for our seventh year I overheard Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown talking.

"You know Hermione?" Parvati said.

"Yeah of course I know Hermione she shares the dorm with us," Lavender snapped. Must be one of those PMS days.

"Well anyway she keeps a photo of Ron – do you know Ron?"

"Hello, I dated him last year!" Lavender screamed. Yep, definitely one of those PMS days. "What does she do to that photo?"

"Actually she has heaps of them in all of her school books."

I nearly choked on my toast and immediately began spluttering food onto the table. The unfortunate people sitting across from me got sprayed with toast, kipper and heaps of my spit. Most of them were disgusted with me, which was fair enough. Except for Colin Creevey of course who got as excited as ever.

"Wow, Harry Potter's breakfast and spit on me! I'm never going to wash these school robes ever again!"

Then he walked off with an expression on his face that reminded me of Loony Luna. He's a disturbing one that one.

"Are you okay?" Parvati asked.

Was I okay? HELLO, I've just been choking here for the last few seconds; of course I'm not okay!

What I actually said: "I'm fine."

I learnt three very disturbing things that day. One, Colin Creevey now has a set of school robes covered with my breakfast and spit on them hanging like a shrine in his room. Two, PMS must be very painful and you don't want to approach any women at that time of month. And three, Hermione also liked carrying stalkerish photos of Ron everywhere. None of these things of which I wanted to know.

From then on I started noticing the looks they gave each other and the little things about how they behaved around each other. And if they thought it was weird, they should have seen how I felt! This was the beginning of becoming a third wheel – you start getting left out. In the case where you're two best friends starts 'liking' each other, you get left out because you don't join in the blushing or looking-at-the-other-when-he-or-she-isn't-looking game. Which I think is fine but that doesn't make it any less awkward. The worst part was when tried to consult me about it.

"Hey Harry, how've the earmuffs been working for you lately?"

When your friend is trying too hard to put on a normal tone when it clearly isn't you can tell something is coming up. Also he's talking about something he hasn't talked about in months – the earmuffs.

"Yeah, they've been working fine," I replied. "Though, they're starting to crack a bit I think – I'm starting to overhear some of Neville's disturbing dreams now."

"Oh. Well, um, you know Hermione?"

_Yeah she's our other best friend._ What I really said. "Yeah."

"What do you think I should say to her?" he blurted.

Jeez, he was asking me of all people? The guy who had the girl ask _him_ out on his first date? That's desperate.

"I dunno, I don't know much about this love stuff. Maybe you should ask Hermione, she's usually good at it," I said.

Ron just looked at me as though I'd been smacked in the head with a gong.

"You idiot, Hermione is the problem, I can't talk to her about it! Argh!"

From then on he never asked me about love again. I think he may have tried asking Ginny but she got weirded out talking to Ron about all this stuff so he gave up.

Hermione was also trying to sort out this problem with great difficulty too. It's amazing; women know exactly what to do when it comes to other people's relationships but when it comes to their own problems they're completely lost. However, she wasn't desperate enough to ask me yet. She just asked Ginny, who told me about it later.

I bet Hermione was hoping Ginny would keep it a secret, which is actually pretty stupid. Girls can never keep their mouths shut about gossip. It's in their nature to talk. Hermione of all people should understand that herself. So it shouldn't have been such a huge surprise when everyone in the Great Hall began talking about it.

"GINNY!" she screamed. This time I'm sure PMS had nothing to do with it.

Hermione gave her a huge lecture about not telling people things before she collapsed onto the table in worry about whether Ron liked her or not.

"Hey Hermione!" Lavender called out during this. "Are you going to ask Ron out to the Seventh Year Ball?"

"There's a ball?" Hermione paled.

And that's about when it all gets worse.

**A/N: Just so you know, I know Harry is very out of character and this fic isn't very well written. This was just a short fic to try and clear up writer's block which I'm dealing with right now for my other two stories, 50 Wrongs for Prongs in a Date and Hogwarts Carol. I'm not quitting on either of those yet! Dunno whether to expand this any further, reviews appreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Harry, do you think I should ask Hermione out to the dance, I mean you remember what happened last time, she exploded when I didn't ask her…" Ron babbled.

"Ron, for god's sakes, I don't know!" I yelled.

The ball wasn't even three weeks away and Ron was already getting worried. Oh goodness, three more weeks of this… If I end up in a mental institution you'd know why. At the moment I wasn't a third wheel – I was the bar connecting the two wheels together. Ron and Hermione couldn't even _talk _to each other at the moment. They kept looking at each other when the other wasn't, blushing when they actually did have eye contact, or being embarrassed every time their skin came into contact. It was sickening. It was like being trapped in a chick flick 24/7.

Meanwhile I was having troubles of my own. It wasn't that I had a problem in getting a girl – in fact it was the opposite. I didn't want to go to the ball – my experience already told me they were just too much effort. Really, girls go there for a fashion parade and guys go there hoping to get lucky. And it was too much effort for me.

But that didn't stop the millions of girls who wanted to go with me. It was absolutely ridiculous the proposals I was getting. Really, it was scarier and more embarrassing than when Ginny sent me that Valentine. One girl put on so much make up she almost looked like a prostitute. Unfortunately I mistook her for a hag and jinxed her. Now she's in the hospital wing. So now I was just hiding in the dorm.

And now Ron was ruining my refuge. Eurgh.

I jumped out of my bed. Alright, enough is enough. I grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him dead in the eye and shook him for a bit. After having vented out my anger a bit, I calmed down. Then I said, "Look at you! You're _scared_ of asking a girl out! You're a chicken!"

"Am not!"

"Are too! I _dare_ you to ask her out!"

"Fine then! I'll do it!" He drew a big breath, pulled back his shoulders and puffed out his chest. He actually looked quite comical – almost like Percy. "Wish me luck."

I gave him a salute and he marched out of the dorms. You see, trickery is pretty much the only way to persuade Ron to do anything. I wondered whether I should be watching this or not. But this was probably the most embarrassing moment of his life, so it was his best friend's duty to be there. For moral support of course.

Hermione was sitting in her favourite armchair reading a book. Ron was starting to look scared already. Just as he opened his mouth Crookshanks approached and yawned. Ron gave startled cry and ran all the way back to the dorms. He pulled the curtains shut before I could even say anything.

I drew them back. Ron was rocking back and forth as though he was mentally disturbed. Well, I'm pretty sure there _is_ something wrong with him mentally but that's not the point.

"Her cat snarled at me. He doesn't like me."

"So? That's never bothered you before."

"But Hermione likes the damned cat! And if he doesn't like me, then she won't like me…"

"Ron. It's a cat. Now go try again."

"I can't!"

I sighed and collapsed on my bed. Just as I was drifting to sleep Ron jumped out of his bed. I could swear there was a light bulb over his head. However, it was just a firefly.

"Harry, wake up!"

"Wha? What is it? Did Neville attack? Did Voldemort set everything on fire?" What I actually meant was the other way round but never mind.

"No! It's about Hermione!"

I groaned. "You brought me out my dream with fluffy pink bunnies just for that?"

"Listen, will you ask her out for me?"

"What?!"

The rest of the boys in out dorm grumbled as they were startled awake. But I didn't care.

RULE NUMBER ONE IN BEING A THIRD WHEEL: Never intervene in the relationship. Believe me it just makes things worse for yourself.

"Please? You know how I feel. Can you do it for me."

Oh boy, he was pulling out the big guns now. It's amazing how big and blue and sad his eyes can get. You kind of feel really sorry for him… crap he had me by the balls. I was going to do it.

I did it the following morning. Ron purposefully went to breakfast 'late' so I could ask her out for him and he could watch the outcome from far back. Sigh.

"Morning Hermione. You know the ball that's on…"

"Yeah."

"I was wondering if you would like to go with – "

"Oh my god Harry Potter is asking Hermione out to the ball!" someone squealed. I turned around. Damn, I think I would have preferred it if it were one of my crazy girl fans. Unfortunately it was Colin Creevery. Eurgh.

Whispers spread through the Great Hall like fire. Mental note: If Voldemort tries to murder Colin, make no attempt to save him. I slapped my head. Ron was going to kill me.

"Erm, Harry, I don't know… I don't feel that way about you, you know that…" Hermione began.

"Actually," I said loudly. "I was wondering if you'd go with Ron to the dance."

"Really? Why did he get you to do it? Why couldn't he do it himself?"

"Er…" Well, telling her he's scared of her cat didn't sound like a very faithful thing to do as a best friend. "… He needed to practice some quidditch."

"So he thinks quidditch is more important than asking me himself?" she said haughtily.

"No!"

"Well, tell him, if he wants to go out with me I'm not going to be beaten to his heart by a stupid game on broomsticks!"

Great. Now I had her screaming at me. Why couldn't Ron just do this himself? Now Hermione is ticked off at me and he's going to be ticked off at me. This is what happens when you break rule number one about being a third wheel.

Hermione stalked off. I sighed and sat down to eat. Just as I was grabbing some toast I saw –

"AAAAHH!" I dropped the toast. Colin was still staring at me.

"So does this mean you're still available for the ball?" he asked.

I put down my toast and ran out of there as fast as I could. Creepy guy… Hey creepy rhymes with Creevey! He should just Colin to Creepy and he'd be Creepy Creevey, hee hee hee!

"Harry!" Ron caught my arm. He looked livid. "What did you do?"

"I swear I didn't ask her out!" I yelped. "It's just that Creepy – I mean, Creevey – yelled out something wrong. Please don't hurt me!"

I closed my eyes and prepared to be knocked about. But nothing happened. I cracked open an eye. Fortunately Ron was rational enough not to beat me up. So I told him what happened and what he needed to do. Ask her out by himself. Personally I think Hermione was right about that point – not the quidditch, god no, but about the fact he needed to do it himself. Heck if he can't even ask her out, imagine what the first date would be like – a long uncomfortable silence. Tumbleweed rolling by every now and then… well at least that would give them something to talk about.

"Hey, check out that tumbleweed. I wonder what it's doing here…"

"Yes, especially since they don't belong to England they're supposed to be native to America – "

"I've got it!" Ron cried, jerking me out of my daydream. "I'll use a courage potion!"

"Erm, I'm not sure whether that's a bright idea. I mean, we're not the best at making potions… I mean, what if you poison yourself? Although last time you poisoned yourself that seemed to work out pretty well, I mean Hermione forgave you, but…"

"That's it, that's what I'm going to do! Poison myself!" he cried out and marched to the library to look some dangerous potions.

Oh great.

**A/N: And this concludes Chapter 2, hoped you enjoyed that. I dunno whether that beats the first chapter but I tried. First of all, I would like to apologise to those who read the previous chapter and thought it was rather sexist. The only reason I did that was because I'm attempting to look at this from a male's point of view – and generally with the guys I have met all think PMS is the problem for everything. See, I'm being remarkably sexist with guys here as well as girls. I really don't pick sides with this, lol.**

**Well, those remarks aside, hope you enjoyed it and don't forget to review.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 Chapter 3

"Ron, for God's sakes, don't do it!" I yelled.

One simply listening in might think I'm trying to persuade him into not jumping off a cliff. But the reality is I'm trying to make sure he doesn't try to poison himself to get Hermione to go on a date with him. It doesn't make much sense does it?

"Hey Weasley!" Malfoy appeared around the corner. This is probably the first time ever that I've ever been happy to see him. Perhaps he'll delay Ron from his idiotic fancy.

"What?" said Ron in the same annoyed tone of someone who had just missed the bus.

"It's payback time!"

"For what? Being better than you?"

"No! For hanging me upside down in front of Pansy! Geragio!"

BANG! Ron slammed down the wall and a whole lot of horns spurted out of his face. Eurgh. Not too sure whether Hermione would want to date that. But at least he wouldn't need any dangerous potions to get into the hospital wing anymore.

I rushed Ron to the hospital wing as quickly as possible and then Madam Pomfrey kicked me out as quickly as possible. But before she did, Ron managed to yell out to me, "Now go get Hermione!"

Crazy head. I rolled my eyes and turned the corner when, Bam! Oh, what do you know, speak of the devil.

"Oh, sorry Harry I didn't see you. I heard that Malfoy hit some idiot with a curse and I've come to investigate. It's my business as head girl after all."

"Er, yeah. That idiot was Ron."

Her hand clasped her own mouth and she ran inside the hospital wing. I was a tad curious as to what the result would be so I hung around waiting after a while. I didn't have to wait long – Madam Pomfrey is very good at kicking people out.

"How is he?"

"Madam Pomfrey says he'll be fine."

"And…?"

"He asked me out to the Ball."

"So…?"

"Nothing, it's just a bit strange though. I mean, the first thing I ask him is are you okay and the first thing he says, "Will you go to the Ball with me?""

"So… what did you say?"

"I said yes. But in a life or death situation why would Ron ask me that?"

"I don't know," I sighed.

Ron only got out of the hospital wing at about dinner time, which is reasonably quick if you consider Madam Pomfrey. Or perhaps he fought or snuck his way out; I wouldn't put it past him. He didn't look any worse than he did before the horns sprouted on his face, but I'm not going to lie, he still had a long way to go before becoming Prince Charming.

"Hey Ron," I said as I shuffled over to make room for him.

"Hey," he said. "Where's Hermione?"

"Studying up on Muddlekips in the library," I replied. "Listen, congratulations on finally getting her, it was about time."

"Yeah thanks."

"Wait a second; are you and Hermione going out?" Seamus asked, poking his head into our conversation.

"Yep," Ron said proudly.

It is perhaps at this time I would like to point out that when you have barely spoken to the person your going out with since you've asked her out that it is probably best that you don't boast about the relationship. It is at an extremely tender stage and it could go either way. Also, at a place like Hogwarts when word spreads like fireworks there could be rumours that you've just 'done it' in a broom closet spread right before the first kiss. Well, if you're lucky enough to get to the first kiss after that.

"Hey Dean, Ron and Hermione are going out," Seamus nudged his friend.

"Really? Wow, how did that happen? Gee Ron, I must tell you, she'd make one hell of a girlfriend with all the nagging that she'd do about homework."

"What?" Ron choked on his potato. I don't think he was ready to consider Hermione his girlfriend yet.

"Sounds more like a wife," Seamus sniggered.

"WHAT?"

"Who sounds like a wife?" Neville asked.

I'll never be an expert on romantic lives but I'll learn a lot by just watching Ron on what not to do. Although most of the stuff he does is so obvious it makes me want to scream and bang my head on the table.

At this present time Hermione arrived. Just as she was about to sit next to Ron Lavender asked, "Hey Hermione how do you find Ron's kissing? I personally think he could use a lot of work but maybe he seems good to someone as inexperienced as you."

Hermione slipped and banged her knee on the table. Then she got up rather graciously and put on a plastic smile the only a woman can perfect with complete with warning tone. "What are you talking about Lavender? Ron and I haven't kissed. Where'd you hear that rumour from?"

"Right from the horse's mouth," Dean sniggered.

Hermione shot a death glare at Ron and then went around and sat next to me. Oh boy. Now I was wedged in between them. Awkward. I wolfed down the rest of my dinner as fast as I could. What do you know, all those years living with the Dursleys have taught me skills useful in life.

"Ooh, trouble in paradise," Neville laughed and high-fived Seamus. All three of us shot him a death glare. The next thing the both of them knew was that their custard pie was dripping off their faces.

I decided to skip desert and run for it like I usually do before Dudley chucks one of his tantrums, but then I found Ron gripping my arm tightly. DAMN IT RON, WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS MAKE YOUR PROBLEMS MINE?

"Ron, I can't believe you did that! I swear, is it some stupid competition between you and your mates on who can get more dates?" Hermione snapped, yelling into my ear. Fortunately for Ron and unfortunately for me the spit hit me before him. Ewe.

"I didn't do anything!" Ron yelled back over me. I was going to go deaf before tonight. I tried to wrench myself free but Hermione grabbed my and sat me down. I suppose it's at this point in relationships that they actually like third wheels to break up the tensions between them. But why is it so crucial that I must be present for this torture?

"Ron, why did you that? I just said yes!" With that Hermione threw her napkin on the table and stormed out. I sighed in relief. Ron banged his head on the table.

"Thanks a lot guys," he grumbled. Then he too left for bed. I grabbed my own napkin and wiped the spit off my face. Well, at least now I can stay for desert.

It was quiet between them for a few days. I didn't know whether they were still even going to the ball together or not to be honest. But I didn't mind, I was used to these kind of silences between them, they happened so often. I often hung out with one or the other which stretched me thin. I tried to spend equal amounts of time between Hermione and Ron but that didn't stop them from glaring at me whenever I did it.

"Why are you talking to him?" Hermione sniffed when I left her for Quidditch practice. "I mean, he's such a pigheaded idiot."

That much as true, but hey, I never considered actually dating him. I sighed and left. Ron was the same at Quidditch pitch.

"She thinks she is so right some times – no wait, scratch that, _all _the time. Honestly, how can you spend so much time without getting sick of her?"

It is frustrating being the third wheel at times like these. I now scream into a pillow to get it all out when I'm alone. Sometimes I can't be bothered to wait until I'm alone so I scream into it even in the presence of everyone else. I think all my dorm mates are now thinking about sending me to a shrink, but I don't care. Some things are so freaking obvious and they are too stubborn to get it over and done with. Also I think Ron was starting to get a bit paranoid.

"Harry, you've been spending a lot of time alone with Hermione lately, is there nothing going on between you?" Ron asked me one evening.

I whacked my head into my pillow and pretended to sleep. That's it I'm breaking rule number one – I'm getting them back together.

**A/N: Hello anyone who is still bothering to read my stuff. I can understand if everyone has all left though it's probably been years since I last updated. I don't deserve any reviews. I shouldn't make excuses but I'll explain my reasons i) School and ii) I felt the quality was really dimming down. I was also struggling from writer's block so what you have is definitely not the best product of my imagination. I don't know whether I should leave it or not but I hate it when author's abandon their work so I might see it to the end, even if I'm an old woman by the time I finish it. Well, cya.**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I admit that I'm not the most cunning person, particularly when it comes to match-making. It's amusing but I don't have the energy for that kind of fussing around and I don't see the fun in it. I usually keep my nose out of it because if the whole thing messes up you don't get any stains on your own shirt. I learnt this lesson when Seamus tried to hook Kailey up with Dean. It was a very interesting breakfast that day.

Slap!

"What?" Seamus asked as he rubbed his cheek sorely.

"You hooked me up with him so you could get twenty galleons?" she screeched.

"Well, he's a nice guy, just a little shy to ask you out."

"He tried to feel me up!"

"That's only because you have the reputation of being the school whore," he said casually and scooped some porridge into his mouth. The next thing he knew was that she had cast a spell to permanently glue the porridge bowl to his head. Madam Pomfrey had to shave him to get it off; oh that was funny.

With this in mind, I am trying to get Ron and Hermione together, although I'm not too sure how. And as crazy as it seems, I am actually asking Seamus for his help. Don't worry, I'm not about to repeat his mistakes, Hermione is not the school slut and Ron isn't going for a feel so we're okay there. As a matter of fact, despite the fact that they fight half the time I think they're quite suitable for each other. But that's too corny for me to say to them and I don't think telling them will solve anything anyway.

"Hey Seamus," I said, spotting him over the railing.

"Oh heya Harry. What's up?"

"Nothing much. Say, I was just wondering, how did you manage to hook up Kailey and Dean together?"

"Easy. I got her drunk."

"Err…" I think I'll leave that as a last resort. I don't think Hermione would be very happy to agreeing to Ron while she was drunk. "Well thanks."

"What's up Harry?" a voice said over my shoulder.

"Oh hi Ginny. What are you doing here?" I said quickly. I hope she didn't hear that; asking for relationship advice is embarrassing in front of girls. There was that, and the fact that she might tell Hermione or Ron, although if I asked her not to, I don't think she would.

"I've got this session off. So, what's happening with you?" she said twirling her hair around her finger as we walked.

"Nothing much." I look away. I don't trust my lying skills very much.

She laughed. "Nothing much my boot. I bet Hermione and Ron are driving you mad."

"Uh huh. Ah well, I should be used to this," I sighed.

"I hear you were trying to get hook up lines from Seamus there," she said coyly. "Got anyone in mind?"

Crap, she heard. "Oh no, not for me at least."

"Then what for?"

She seems particularly eager. I can't put my finger on why.

"I'm trying to hook Hermione and Ron together."

"Ah I see. I take it you couldn't stand the bickering anymore."

"Pretty much. But I don't want to resort to getting them drunk to do it because I'm sure Hermione will have me castrated or something like that so I'll just continue to suffer in silence."

Ginny stopped walking. I looked behind at her. She was staring at me as though I was the dumbest guy in the world.

"What? Don't you think it's noble of me to suffer instead of resorting to getting them drunk?"

"You don't have to get them drunk to get them to start liking each other again."

"I don't?"

She rolled her eyes. "Use _jealousy_. Honestly, you guys know _nothing_. If you hook them up with different people you could make them jealous enough to finally admit to each other how they feel."

"Uh, ok. Thanks Ginny."

I wasn't too sure if that would work; it also sounded pretty dicey. I could think of many places where that could go wrong. But then I was reminded shortly after the hell I was already suffering during potions as I was seated between them. Again.

"Harry, can you pass me the mudkip's ears?" Hermione said icily despite the fact that Ron was closer.

"Hey Harry, do you mind asking Hermione what we're supposed to do when the potion turns pink?" Ron said quickly. He was partnered up with Neville. Yep, recipe for disaster.

"Tell Ron that I'm still not talking to him," Hermione sniffed soon after I asked.

"Eurgh, why does she have to be so stubborn," Ron complained after.

"I heard that," Hermione snapped.

"Well you are!"

"So are you!"

"Yeah, so what?"

"How can you call me stubborn when you even worse than me?"

This conversation is going nowhere. I am banging my head on the table but neither of them appear to notice. Seriously, I don't get their minds. They don't want me to be lonely just because they're fighting but their constant policy of putting me in the middle of their arguments is worse. Once I regained consciousness I saw Hermione snatch up her wand and a stream of paper cranes shoot out towards Ron. Unfortunately, most of them hit me instead.

"I'm so sorry Harry," Hermione gasped and put her hand on my face.

"Uhn," I was pretty out of it by then. I didn't really know what was happening but it mustn't have looked good to Ron because he was soon yelling.

"I knew it! You two are going out aren't you?!"

"Huh?" I said.

"Yes we are!" Hermione replied.

"What?!" I exclaimed. Hermione gripped my hand so tightly the blood stopped flowing.

"Ow – "

"Shut up!" she whispered harshly.

"Harry, I've been you're best friend for almost eight years now and this is how you repay me!" Ron yelled. He looked as though he was about to lunge at me but –

"Weasley, Potter and Granger!" Snape snapped. Oh thank heavens. Who would have thought Snape of all people would have saved me?

"You three can have detention together in the dungeons tonight," he declared. I hate him.

"I didn't do anything," I whined. Soon after the bell rang and I ran out of there before either Ron or Hermione could catch up to me.

The rest of the day I avoided them as much as possible. During Charms I shoved myself between Seamus and Dean who didn't seem to enjoy the fact that I was splitting them up; sat with Neville who transfigured his mouse into a rat that subsequently chased me around the room; and even with Parvati and Lavender who kept talking about "that cute Hufflepuff" over there during Divination. Then at dinner I sat with Ginny who promptly asked me, "So you're going out with Hermione now, eh?"

"Well… I did what you said. Make them jealous of each other."

She laughed. "You do realise you've made this much more complicated now that you've thrown yourself into this, right?"

"Yup. Well, I'm afraid I have to go now, I have a meeting with the devil in hell now and if I keep him waiting he'll extend my torture."

With that I left for the dungeon. When I arrived Hermione and Ron were already there, stiff as statues and still not talking to each other.

"You three shall be scraping the gum from under the tables, the muggle way," Snape announced. Hmm, that's not the worst thing he's done. Or the most original. Then I saw him take gum from out of his mouth and stick it under the table. Soon after I realised all the gum under the tables were fresh from his mouth. He really went out of his way for this one. Hopefully his jaw is so sore it will drop off soon. Well, at least the gum was easy to scrape off.

"This is absolutely revolting," Ron complained. "Eurgh."

"Well if you hadn't been acting like an uncouth moron we wouldn't be here," Hermione snapped at him. Oh good, they're talking now. I'm now hiding under a desk; hoping they won't drag me into this.

"You know, none of this would have started if you had let me explain," Ron said in frustration as he chipped off a hard dry piece of gum. My right eye began to twitch.

"What is there to explain? As soon as you asked me you bragged about it to your friends about it so you could show off how much of a pimp you are."

"I did not!"

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"Did not, not, not!"

"Did so, so – "

"Shut up!" I screamed. "Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!"

"Whoa, calm down Harry," Ron said, staring at me alarmed. He and Hermione are both staring as if I was crazy. Well, I admit, I was a bit crazy.

"Do you people not see what you look like right now?" I continued. "You're fighting like kids in a candy store over the last lolly pop! Just because you two are both too stupid and stubborn to know what's really going on! Ron, I am not going out with Hermione, she's using me to make you jealous! Hermione, people jumped to conclusions, he didn't say anything! There! Are we happy now?!"

By the end of my rant I was doing what Uncle Vernon usually did under these situations – pulling my hair out. Great; of all things I inherited from him I inherited the way he deals with stress. Brilliant. I was gonna be bald before twenty-one.

"I don't think I've ever heard you yell that much," Hermione remarked. "Except for the time you were all emo during fifth year."

"Oh yeah, I remember that," Ron agreed nervously.

"Here Harry, let's fix your hair," Hermione said gently, walking slowly toward me.

"No!" I screamed. "Don't touch me! I am a glass tower, touch me and I'll shatter into a million pieces! Aaaaaaaaahhhh!"

I think I ran a few laps around the dungeons after that, I don't quite remember. But I think being stuck in a room with a mad man who could possibly kill you at any moment made a great bonding experience for Hermione and Ron because the next day, after finding myself sleeping in the canopy of the bed rather than in the bed, Ron and Hermione were getting along rather civilly. Well, at least their friendship was rebuilt.

**A/N: Before you mention it, yes I know this is extremely AU and for the sake of it, I'm having Snape as potions teacher even though that's not what happened. Well, we all know this is different to the last book anyway don't we? Even though this is definitely not my best chapter, to anyone who is interested to know I've now written a plan for this story so writer's block won't affect me as much so hopefully updates will be slightly quicker, although my holiday is now over and so don't expect a chapter too soon. In fact I wrote this to distract myself from homework which is not done so I'm probably done for. Ah well.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Everything passed normally for the next few days. Well, as normal as anything gets around here. It is, of course, still as crazy as ever. Luna is still occasionally caught talking to trees; Professor Snape still plots my murder; and Professor McGonagall still throws shoes whenever we fail at a spell – which is probably why she needs to go to the next shoe sale in Hogsmeade. On the Hermione and Ron front, things were also pretty average. Perhaps too average.

They were talking to each other politely, although they weren't having the same little arguments as usual. For instance, during potions, Ron tripped over Neville's cloak and spilt a bowl tar-like liquid on Hermione's head. We were all sitting there waiting for the ensuing explosion and then –

Nothing. Each and every one of us was disappointed – an explosion would have clearly dissipated the boredom that was settling in. Even Snape was enthusiastic for one. When Hermione doesn't yell at Ron, that's when you should get suspicious. However, I was too relieved from the last row to really notice.

I was sort of walking around in a half daze at the time. I wasn't aware that Hermione and Ron weren't truly in our tight group anymore. That is, until I nearly walked into the homicidal suit of armour and neither Ron nor Hermione were there to stop me or help me prevent it from nearly decapitating me. It took out a neat slice of my hair before I managed to get away.

"Hey Harry, nice haircut," Ginny commented when walking past.

"Am I bald?"

"No. Besides, it's growing back. What on earth were you doing?"

"I was heading to Charms class but that suit of armour has been really blood thirsty lately. Hermione and Ron weren't there to distract it while I ran away."

"You know that they haven't been hanging around you for quite some time."

"Really? But I was talking to them on the way to Defence Against the Dark Arts."

"No you weren't. You were talking to yourself."

"Oh great. So that's why Seamus has been trying to put me in the Hospital Wing lately."

Ginny laughed. "I think your nerves have finally been shot."

From that point on I observed how Hermione and Ron weren't around as much as usual. It was then I began to feel the lonely aspect of being the third wheel, except I didn't know I was a third wheel at the time. I thought Ron and Hermione's friendship had been completely shattered despite their courteous attempts to hide it. I became so despondent I walked into the homicidal suit of armour; Neville making out with what I thought was a balloon but a rather fat girl; the homicidal suit of armour; Professor Sprout changing her underwear and the homicidal suit of armour again.

"Harry, why are you only wearing half a robe?" Hermione asked me when I escaped for the three hundredth and forty-seventh time. Yes, I've been keeping track of that one. This time he managed to slice the bottom half of my robe cleanly off. However, I did get my vengeance – I managed to chop off its arm.

"In case you didn't notice, that suit of armour has a thing for me."

"Oh okay. I have been a little preoccupied lately."

"No kidding," I muttered under my breath.

"What?" she said.

"Nothing!"

She looked over at me cryptically for a while and would have probably stared at me longer if Ginny didn't happen to pop up from behind and said, "Nice boxers Harry!" before smacking my arse and walking away. Then Hermione just stared at her. I don't know whether that was better or worse.

"Well," I said, two minutes following the awkward silence. "Do you mind fixing them for me?"

"Sure. Reparo!"

They instantly mended. I told Hermione, "You'd think I'd remember that one after all those times you've used it on me."

Hermione gawked at me as though I was the thickest person in the world. Which I probably was at the moment because the suit of armour managed to whack me in the head with the flat of his sword for the hundredth and fifty-second time. And yes, I've been keeping track of that one too.

"All you have to do is point and say Reparo! I'll show you. Break your glasses."

"What?"

"Give me your glasses."

"No!"

"Come on, they'll be fine!"

"No!"

Hermione tried to wrestle them off me but then Ron intervened, grabbed her and said, "Hermione! Stop it!"

Oddly, Hermione didn't fight back with her usual fierceness but giggled and went limp. Very un-Hermione-ish. Those two definitely weren't fighting. I tried rubbing my lenses to see if I was seeing correctly when I noticed I was no longer wearing my glasses.

"Hey! Hermione, what'd you do with my glasses?"

It turned out that she had managed to break them during the struggle. Great Ron, couldn't you have had better timing to stop her?

"Well, just do the spell now. Point and say, Reparo!"

I did just that but seeing as I couldn't see, I missed completely and repaired the arm I had broken off the homicidal suit of armour instead. I spent the rest of the day running blindly away from it, falling down several stairs and eventually into a girl's bathroom up in Gryffindor tower. That one was an accident, I swear. Besides, if I wanted to perve I couldn't see anything anyway. But that didn't stop every girl from slapping me very hard across the face.

Since that incident I decided to distance myself from Hermione and spend more time with Ron. However I noticed that he seemed to be gone most of the time too. One evening in the dormitory I asked him, "Ron, why don't you love me anymore?"

"Eh?" Ron said and then looked at me funny.

"You don't spend as much time with me as usual. Am I doing something wrong?"

"Oh no, no! It's not you, it's me."

"Oh okay. I just feel that we've been growing distant."

"Yeah, fair enough. I've just been sorting something out that's all."

"Okay."

"I'll make it up to you I promise. But I have to go meet someone right now," he announced, getting up to leave. I checked my watch.

"Where on earth do you have to go right now? It's nine o'clock; you don't have anymore duties, or classes."

"I need to look up something in the Library."

With that he quickly moved to leave before I could ask anymore questions. Of course that's not like Ron at all – when on earth did he care about homework? After he had left I opened up the Marauder's Map and watched his dot move to the library like he said. I grabbed my invisibility cloak and followed suit.

I saw Ron but he wasn't researching anything. He was standing waiting for someone, nervously and impatiently. And then at last, Hermione came, and they acknowledged each other with a kiss.

A kiss! A kiss! Oh my god… I hadn't been expecting that one. I was so gob smacked I fell over a chair which subsequently knocked over Neville. Ron and Hermione briefly looked over at us but they soon dismissed it as regular Neville behaviour. I quickly helped Neville up and said, "Sorry." However he just looked wildly about in the most ungrateful manner and attempted to run away, muttering, "Chairs can talk…"

Oh. I forgot I was invisible. Oops. Oh well.

Ron and Hermione continued to talk quietly amongst themselves. I edged closer to listen. Ron said, "I think Harry's getting suspicious."

"Of course he is. How could he not be?"

"He was asking about why I don't spend so much time with him. Shouldn't we just tell him?"

"He might be a bit disturbed about it," Hermione said.

"No kidding," I said. Both Hermione and Ron jumped.

"Harry?" Ron yelped, groping the thin air for me. I yanked the cloak off myself.

"What are you doing poking around us like this?" he exclaimed.

"What are you two doing going behind my back like this?" I retorted. Aha! None of them could come back with that one. Both of them looked ashamed. "This entire time you guys have been abandoning me, making me feel all alone, for this?"

At this point I was beginning to sound like a one man soap opera but I didn't care. Hermione looked defeated and dejected.

"Okay Harry," she said. "We'll stop doing this."

"Yeah, we'll go back to the way it was before," Ron agreed.

"What? Wait; what are you talking about?" I said.

"We'll stop dating," Hermione said. "We'll pretend it never happened; that way we can avoid awkwardness."

I slapped myself in the head. "No, no, no. That's not what I meant. You guys can still date, I have nothing against the fact that you two are in a relationship. In fact, I fully support it; it's about time you two have gotten together. Just don't do it behind my back, that's all."

"Oh okay," Hermione said brightly. "It was getting a bit difficult to hide from you."

"Yeah," Ron said. "Say, why don't you join us in Hogsmeade?"

"Yeah sure, sounds great!" I beamed.

It was so stupid but I was happy to finally talk to my friends again I didn't care. Big mistake.

**A/N: Yeah, I know it's been a while since I updated this story. I've been focusing on my other one, 50 Wrongs for Prongs lately. That's probably why it sounds a little more random than usual and without half its usual snap. Sorry. But yeah, I hope you enjoyed it, and I will keep writing more chapters.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

And so, on that fateful Saturday, I began my self inflicted torture to Hogsmeade. It had begun well enough; we were just walking there, with Ron and Hermione holding hands and leading the way. They were talking amongst themselves mostly, but I couldn't blame them for that. However, it was weird when they tried to force me into a conversation. It was done in an awkward way, not like a natural conversation. For instance, Ron and Hermione were talking about what they were both wearing to the ball and suddenly Hermione rounded on me and said rather pointedly, "Harry, what do you think about the colour blue? Ron and I were thinking about colour co-ordinating for the ball."

"Huh?" I returned dazedly. I so bored that I nearly walked into a tree.

"We might be colour co-ordinating for the ball. Blue seems like a good colour because it's not too feminine or too masculine."

I looked at Ron. He looked back at me. He looked as though he cared as little as I did.

"Erm, I don't know, why don't you ask him?" I said.

"He said he didn't care too much."

I bit back the urge to say, "Then why should I?" but that would have resulted in a painful slap in the face.

"Yeah, blue sounds like a fantastic colour."

"Harry are you being sarcastic? Because I've worn that colour before to the Yule Ball I don't want to look as though I'm wearing the same thing again..."

"So," I quickly said. "Where are we going?"

"Madam Puddifoot's," Ron answered neutrally enough but he was going red around the ears.

Oh goodness. Noooooooo!

I must have had a horrified expression on my face all the way there because passersby were looking at me funny and one little boy pointed at me and asked, "Mummy what's wrong with that thing's face?"

"That's another boy Steven," the mother replied. "And it looks like he needs therapy; or at least plastic surgery to fix up his face."

She was damn right about that... well maybe not the plastic surgery bit. I don't look that bad, do I?

The last time I went to Madam Puddifoot's was horrible enough. The place was like a pimping area, except without the prostitutes, the pimps and the clients... okay, the only way it was similar was due to the fact that it was a known make out place. I was going to stick out like a sore thumb; I didn't even have a date that could go wrong this time. When we entered the store we were immediately confronted with couples making out determinedly. Ewe. Gross. I don't understand how people get turned on by porn – kissing looks disgusting enough. Ron was growing redder around the ears and Hermione a light shade of pink. This was going to be awkward.

We found a free table in a secluded corner but it only had two seats. We tried to look for another table with three seats but there were only tables with two seats. This store was out there to stamp 'Reject!' on my head.

"Excuse me; is there a table with three seats?" I asked. The waiter looked slightly perturbed.

"No, we don't usually serve threesomes," he responded, looking at Hermione weirdly and probably wondering why she was bringing her two dates at the same time instead of bringing one at a time like a smart woman would.

I hung my head in defeat and just grabbed a seat off a table where some loser looked as though he had been stood up. Poor guy, but I sure as heck wasn't sitting on the floor. Well, at least I didn't look as sad as him.

We sat down and waited for our tea quietly. I think Ron and Hermione were both very shy about being on an actual date because they were no longer talking. Well, being in a known make out place is intimidating. And of course, last but not least was little old me, now watching the first date here from a third person point of view. Feeling extremely awkward I turned around, but watching other couples make out makes you feel like a pervert, even though it's their own fault for doing it in public. Get a broom cupboard for goodness sake! That's what they're there for!

"So Harry, are you going to the ball?" Ron began all of a sudden.

That sounded awkward. It sounded as though he was asking me out to the ball. The waiter who returned with our order must have overheard because now he was looking at Ron funny.

"Erm, no," I replied. "I've decided not to go this time."

"What?" Hermione exclaimed. "Why not?"

I shrugged. "I just don't feel like going."

"But it's the final Ball of the year!" Hermione cried out. "It's the last time you're going to see a lot of people in Hogwarts in their finest!"

"Meh. I don't really care for that sort of thing."

"Come on Harry, you should come. Just because you don't have a date doesn't mean you can't come."

Hmm. I thought about that for a moment. There would be me, standing around in my fine dress robes doing nothing, perhaps drinking punch, hanging in an area with a ton of other singles under a sign that said, 'Dateless Wonders of the World!'. We'd all be standing there watching all the other couples dance. How third wheel can you get?

"No thanks."

From then on Ron and Hermione attempted to persuade me to go to the ball. This stuck me as a strange way to spend on your first date, trying to persuade a guy you're not even going with, to go to the ball. Eventually my stubbornness overrode theirs and we started talking about the tea.

"Hmm, I don't see what's so great about his tea," Ron commented. "Harry, can you get Hermione to pass the sugar?"

This was odd because we were seated at such a small table anyway. He could have easily grabbed the sugar himself or asked Hermione himself. Nevertheless, she handed it to me and I passed it to Ron. Then she said, "Yeah Harry, I see what you mean. I think they put too much cream in mine."

What? I didn't even say anything. Then I realised what they were doing; they were trying to use me as a sort of battering ram for their first date. I was being used to make conversation because they found it awkward talking to each other. They couldn't get used to the idea they were actually on their first date, in public after being 'just friends' for so long. You could tell by their tense postures, strained voices and darting eyes that they wanted to talk to each other; they just didn't dare. It was too weird.

I felt selfish and stupid. I shouldn't be gate-crushing their first date; it's a terrible way to start a relationship! How awkward would it be if I were there for all of their dates... they wouldn't be talking to each other they'd be talking to me instead. Imagine how their wedding would be...

"Ron do you take Hermione to be your lawfully wedded wife?" The priest would ask.

Ron would look expectantly at me and I would say, "Yeah he does."

"Hermione do you take Ron to be you're lawfully wedded husband?"

Hermione would do the same thing Ron did and I would say the same thing.

"You may now kiss the bride."

I hope they wouldn't drag me to their honeymoon. Or their marriage counselling for that matter.

"The problem with Ron is that he doesn't listen," Hermione would complain. "Does he Harry?"

I would be seated in between them on the couch not knowing whether to betray Ron or Hermione. "Erm, I guess not."

"Harry, how could you say that?" Ron would exclaim. "Especially since you know how annoyingly high-pitched Hermione's voice can get."

And then they would both round on me and a huge fight will ensue, as usual...

I shook my head of my fantasies and focused on the present. "Excuse me guys, I have to... I have to go talk to that guy."

I was pointing at the loner without a date. Ron and Hermione looked a little panicky and a little confused.

"Do you even know that guy?" Hermione asked, a little more high-pitched than usual.

"Err yeah," I replied. "I met him once. We have to discuss that, er... thing."

Before Hermione could protest I quickly left and joined that guy. He looked up at me startled.

"So, I see you're feeling really lonely," I commented. "Well, you're not the only one. I haven't got a date either."

He was looking at me funny. Then, for the third time that day the waiter walked past me with a funny look on his face.

**A/N: I think this is the best chapter I've written for this story in a while, personally. Enjoy!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

After the first date life seemed to be getting easier. From what I saw further away from the table, Ron didn't screw up too much and only spilled hot tea on Hermione once, which isn't too bad, I guess. Afterwards they both seemed reasonably comfortable being a couple in public. They did things such as hold hands which was okay, but the kissing was a bit much. Hanging around them now made me slightly uncomfortable but I did my best not to show it. Like, in Charms Hermione was concentrating so hard on helping Ron, whom I'm sure, was being an idiot on purpose, that I was distracted from performing the spell properly. I accidentally did a Seamus and burned the essay I was supposed to hand to Professor Flitwick. Damn.

Later on they got even mushier. One day I was fleeing from Colin Creevey who was trying to get me to sign his Harry Potter doll, which looked more like something used for voodoo. Without thinking I flung myself into a broom closet. Unfortunately, for once, two people were taking my advice about broom closets.

"Ron, Hermione, what are you doing here?" I yelled after I had fallen into what was most probably an orgy. Or a make out session. I honestly hope it was the latter.

"What do you think we're doing?" Ron roared back. "Get out of here!"

With that, he kicked me out of the broom closet and right into Colin. We crashed into the floor.

"Ooh, look who's come out of the closet!" Malfoy crowed walking past.

"Malfoy don't make me come out there!" Ron shouted, poking his head out of the closet. He wasn't wearing a shirt. Oh god.

Malfoy was so disturbed he couldn't say anything so he stumbled away in shock. I rolled off Colin.

"So Harry, will you sign my doll?" he asked.

Afterwards I signed the work of the twisted boy and left to see Doctor Ruben, who has been very good to me since I started seeing her. She gives me lollipops, pats me on the head and reassures me it's all going to be okay. Doctor Ruben is the one who gets me to write in these journals about what I feel. It's actually quite cathartic to write all this down and express myself without anyone yelling at me, "Quit your whining!" or "You're such a baby!". Bah! If only they knew what I've been through.

Anyway, back to my miserable life as a third wheel, I was also missing out on some of the inside gossip between Ron and Hermione. Now there are a fair few inside jokes between them I don't get and whenever I ask, they just say, "Never mind," or "Don't worry about it Harry," which really sucks.

So, now I just try to spend most of my time alone, which is quite relieving without the daily awkwardness. What's more I no longer really have to worry about their trivial complaints. I was enjoying my life as a single, friendless man until one day, Ron and Hermione purposefully came up to me and trapped me by wrapping their arms around my shoulders, making it almost impossible for me to break free. I was quite worried, and I had every reason to be; for Ron declared, "Harry, we think you have been spending too much time by yourself."

"So?" I answered, squirming.

"Well, loner behaviour isn't very healthy," Hermione stated. "Why haven't you been talking to us as much as usual?"

What I was thinking: Well it's because you guys have the need to eat each other's faces every few minutes.

What I said: "I just don't want to gate-crash."

"How come you haven't been making friends with other people?" Ron asked.

The truth was that I had tried. It was just that it didn't work. Dean and Seamus were very happy together with just the two of them and the same with Parvati and Lavender. Neville used to be an option but the thing was that he had a girlfriend now and so in all those situations I would be a third wheel again.

"Because I'm an anti-social case, crying out for attention?" I suggested.

Hermione rolled her eyes and punched me lightly in the shoulder. "Well Ron and I think you need some company."

"What are you talking about? I have you guys."

"Some _other_ company," she said coyly.

Oh great. They were going to try and find me a girlfriend. I hate it when couples do this; they think that they're happy and so they think every one else needs to be paired up too. What they don't know is that I'm perfectly happy single! Come on, as a bachelor I can go to a strip club without anyone to come home to and yell at me. As a bachelor I can do whatever I like without some woman nagging at my shoulder. Ron and Hermione just don't realise they're very, very sick people. They're so twisted and lovesick they don't realise that by trying to pair me up with someone they'd be spreading their disease!

"Uh huh," I said. "What do you have planned?"

"We've taken the liberty in trying to find you a date before the ball," Ron answered brightly. Oh great.

"Who is it?"

"Well, you like Luna don't you?" he said.

"What?"

"Well, you're nice enough to her," Hermione said. "We just told her to meet you at The Three Broomsticks next Hogsmeade weekend so you guys can sort things out before the ball."

Fantastic. Another Hogsmeade weekend gone to waste. Why do you guys keep doing this to me?

"Er sure," I said.

Later that day I tried to find Luna to explain that I didn't really want to go to the ball but I couldn't find her anywhere. I was so stupid. I looked in all the normal places people hung out. Instead, I should have been thinking like an insane person and looked for her where crazy people hung out, such as up in trees, Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and with the giant squid. However, regrettably I wasn't thinking like that and I couldn't find her before the end of the day. So I just ended up going on the date. I didn't want to be rude and stand her up like some jerk.

When I walked into The Three Broomsticks I found Luna waiting patiently examining tiny cherry tomatoes. Then I realised they were a new pair of earrings she made.

"Oh hello Harry," she said looking up at me with her wide brown eyes. "I was just deciding which earrings I should wear to the ball. Should I stick with my usual radish ones or should I try something different?"

"Um... I don't know. What colour are your dress robes?" I asked. After hanging around Hermione for a bit you learn a bit about colour co-ordination.

"Purple."

"Hmm. Maybe you should try red onions."

I said this with sarcasm but Luna appeared to ponder this for a while. Brilliant. I was going to have a date who would make everyone else's eyes water. Oh boy.

"Erm, should we order the butterbeer?" I asked.

Luna jerked out of her reverie. "Oh yes. Let's."

As we drank our butterbeers quietly Luna examined the cork of hers and said, "I bet I can make pair of new shoes out of these if I can collect enough of them."

What do you know someone who actually listens to Captain Planet and recycles. I sighed and nodded as I continued to drink my butterbeer.

"You're not very enthusiastic about this date are you?" she said quite bluntly all of a sudden.

I choked on my butterbeer and quickly set it on the table. She just looked at me while I spluttered.

"Sorry," I said. "I don't mean to be rude, but it just seems to come out naturally."

"That's all right. I'm not too enthusiastic about this date either," she replied.

"Then why are you here?" I asked, wiping my mouth on my sleeve. "You could have said no to Ron and Hermione. I just came so you wouldn't look like a reject like a guy I met at Madam Puddifoot's."

"Well I did agree with them that you did look a bit lonely. Although being alone isn't that bad. You just have to watch your own back when people start throwing shoes at you."

"Gee, thanks for the warning." Hopefully my loneliness won't go on for too long or I might end up like her.

She shrugged and said, "No problem."

"So, are you really enthusiastic about going to the ball?" I asked.

Luna shrugged and said, "Well I can always go to my own when mine comes. It should be all right. I just hope no one throws high heeled shoes at me at that one."

It was a bit sad because no one in Luna's year regarded her with respect. Neither do I, I suppose. However she considers me one of her closest friends, so I should be nicer to her.

"Well, you can come to mine if you like," I said resignedly. "No one would really know you well enough to consider throwing shoes at you."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

When I arrived back in the Common Room after my "date" with Luna I found Ron and Hermione waiting for me eagerly. Jeez, they were a couple now, they had to have better things to do than wait for me… things I didn't want to imagine but yes, better things to do.

"So, how did it go?" Hermione asked.

I shrugged. "It was all right. Better than that date I had with Cho anyway."

Ron snorted. "Sorry Harry but you were a rebound date, that's all. Come on she had Cedric Diggory before you. Cedric Diggory!"

Hermione looked at him oddly and then shook her head. "So, are you going with her to the Ball?"

"Yeah sure, why not," I replied.

"Awesome, then we can go on a double date!" Hermione squealed enthusiastically. I cracked open an eyelid. Maybe there was a reason not to go.

Sooner than I would have liked, gossip that I was going to the Yule ball with Loony Luna spread through the school quicker than it would take for Neville to trip and our entire dorm to be in disarray. At that point everyone thought I had well and truly cracked and psychiatrists were handing me their business cards. They didn't believe me when I said I was happy with Doctor Ruben. There was so much fuss that Rita Skeeter had gotten hold of the news and made the headline, "Potter Cracks and Takes Human Recycling Bin to the Ball!" It beat the new wart appearing on the lead singer of the Weird Sisters. There was even an interview on page eleven with Colin Creevey bawling out at how distraught he was at his loss.

Girls now glared at Luna viciously when she walked past – to think she was complaining about shoes being thrown at her before! I'm not too sure I actually did her a favor by inviting her to my ball. I think she was lucky to have missed a few bombs, a botched attempt with a rattlesnake and an anvil. But she never complained, and showed off her new pet rattlesnake to many of the girls who had tried to murder her.

"Don't you think you could have done prettier mate?" Seamus asked me in the Great Hall one day.

"She's not that bad," I said. "She's a nice enough person."

"Yeah but look at that girl! She would have gone out with you in a flash! Come on, she's a babe!"

I thought about my one and only experience with a pretty woman: Cho Chang. On our first (and only) date we chatted about a guy who looked like Edward Cullen and was way hotter than I'll ever be. Then she started screaming that I had another woman. Pfft. As if I would be lucky enough to date two women at the same time. I'm not that awesome. However, considering the trouble, I'm not too sure whether I'd want to date two women at once. Anyway, where was I? Oh right.

After what I'm sure was an hour for Seamus I replied, "I think I prefer the personality over the looks."

Seamus scrunched his nose and then said, "Fine, I'll ask her out then."

He came back with a bruised face. Unfortunately the girl had "mistaken" him for a pervert. Well, it wasn't his fault that his head was conveniently at the same height as her cleavage – he was just short, and she was just tall, that's all.

Ginny had also been questioning my decision closely. She had been looking at me with narrowed eyes and giving me the cold shoulder lately, literally bumping into me very hard as we walked past each other. And I'm sure that kick to the crotch on Wednesday was no mistake either.

Another week passed and suddenly enough the Ball was here. The teachers (especially McGonagall) told us not to take the day off from school and spend our time doing our hair and nails but of course we didn't listen. This commentary is not restricted to the female population as all the metrosexuals did it too. Some tried tanning spells and were disappointed by their orange colour whereas girls like Parvati Patil and her sister tried whitening lotions. People with straight hair curled it, people with curly hair straightened it, and people with frizzy hair, braided hair or dreadlock were just deemed unfashionable because no one went for these hairstyles. People are weird. See, I'm happy just the way I am and there's no need for trouble. I got ready in five minutes. Unfortunately though, the people around me didn't think so.

"Harry, you do know you're wearing exactly the same outfit you wore the Yule Ball right?" Hermione admonished.

"Yeah, you look ravishing too."

"People are going to notice you're wearing the same thing," she said persistently. "You should have bought something different!"

"I wasn't planning on coming," I whined as she purposefully straightened my robes with force. She also tried straightening my hair by hand too which was also quite painful. She must have forgotten magic. I think from behind it looked as though she was yanking a pot off my head, which was probably why everyone was looking at us funny.

"Leave him alone," Ron said pulling her away. Thank you! "None of the guys care whether he is wearing the same outfit anyway."

I sighed in relief but then I caught the sight of Ginny storming off. I couldn't tell which direction she was going but I think it was to the boys' dorms. She wasn't going to trash it like second year was she? Before I could say anything Ron and Hermione yanked me behind them and marched out the Common Room portal. To my surprise – well not really, I was half expecting this – Luna was wearing a pair of earrings made out of red onions just like I had suggested. She smiled dazedly. "Hello Harry, you're looking quite nice today."

"Thanks. You look great too."

We entered the Great Hall. No matter what they do with the place, it never fails to take my breath away. Brightly colored balls floated to the ceiling and I was reminded of the song "99 Red Balloons" despite the fact that most of them weren't red and the song was about Germany. We found a seat near Neville and his balloon of a fiancé and sat through Dumbledore's curious speech that involved Cornish Pixies for some reason but I wasn't paying attention.

"And now it's time for the Head Boy and Girl to initiate the dance," Dumbledore announced with a grand sweeping gesture. A spotlight fell on Hermione and Ron. Ron looked like he choked on his own spit – he must have forgotten about this part.

I grinned, clapped and gave them an embarrassingly loud whoop, which turned out to be more embarrassing for me than it was for them. Everyone stared at me but fortunately the loud ballroom music drowned out the embarrassing sound of crickets chirping.

Ron was so red in the face it was as though someone had spiked the punch and he had drunk it all. He was a terrible dancer looking to the floor and shuffling his feet. On the upside though, he didn't stack it. Hermione looked as though she was about to take him by force and stride about the stage – after all she had experience with the attention before. I was just glad it wasn't me out there on display this time. I glanced nervously at Luna but she made no indication that she wanted to dance and was gazing in Neville's direction.

Hermione leaned in and whispered something into Ron's ear. Something she said made him relax and soon he was dancing, at the very least, more confidently as though no one was watching. Soon enough other couples joined in and they were no longer the center of attention.

All the other couples danced while Luna and I stood awkwardly on the outskirts of the dance floor with other shy couples and people who didn't have dates. This is why it's pointless for people who aren't actually dating to invite someone along just for the sake of having a date. Nevertheless, this time I tried to strike a conversation instead of mentally trying to murder Cedric. Somehow though, despite the fact that we were relatively good friends, it always reached an uncomfortable silence.

"So er, how are those earrings doing for you? Are they making your ears hurt?" I asked her.

"No. My ears are quite comfortable with this weight. I've worn radishes."

"Ah. Right then." And the silence would continue.

At long last dinner came. Ron and Hermione came back off the dance floor looking very happy and couplish as they loosely clung to each other chatting and giggling. The entire time Ron had his arm around her. I wormed about in my seat. I didn't really want to try and compete against them at looking like a couple because Luna and I weren't a couple. And I didn't really want to try and involve myself in a conversation with them because they were having so much fun between themselves.

"Did you see Malfoy when I tripped him?" Ron laughed.

Uncharacteristically Hermione giggled too and nodded. They were like an exclusive clubroom walled off to the rest of us. If I were to say something I would be a rude intruder, interrupting the moment for them. I felt sorry for Luna for dragging her into this third wheel situation but she didn't seem to care.

"You know that girl there?" she said pointing at Neville's girlfriend.

"Yeah."

"She looks like a pumpkin doesn't she?"

As cruel as it sounds, she kind of did. It probably wasn't smart of her to wear orange robes considering her round shape. The green witch hat on top wasn't helping either, as it looked like the stalk poking out of the middle.

"I think she may have been born a pumpkin," Luna continued. "And she got so depressed sitting in the vegetable patch when the ball arrived, her fairy godmother came along and granted her wish to turn human until midnight."

I nodded. That story sounded familiar but the memory was foggy. When Dudley had gotten a book of fairytales for his seventh birthday from some ignorant woman who didn't know the Dursley phobia of magic, Uncle Vernon had made sure to burn it in the backyard along with a Barbie doll from the same woman. I have a feeling Uncle Vernon must have hunted this woman down and decapitated her. Anyway, after quickly reading Cinderella before the fire started, I had begun to wish that my Prince Charming would come to save me. I hadn't expect him to come in the very large and hairy form of Hagrid, but you grab what you can get.

I became distracted from my stroll down memory lane when Ron and Hermione tried to start up a conversation.

"How are you two doing? Why weren't you dancing?" Ron asked.

"I shrugged. "Didn't feel like it."

Hermione frowned. "Jeez Harry if you're not going to dance at the ball what was the point of bringing Luna or even coming in the first place?"

I gritted my teeth. "I came because you two practically forced me to come here."

"So Luna not the one for you?" Ron asked. Hermione nudged him.

"Ron she's right there! If you're going to bitch about someone behind their back make sure you're actually doing it behind their back!"

"Nah, it's all right," Ron waved a hand in front of Luna's face, snapped his fingers and even got out his wand and blew sparks in her face. She didn't move. "She's pretty spazzed out. Anyway Harry, don't worry mate. Just because you haven't found the one for you at our ball you have the rest of your life to find her."

Somehow in their deluded minds they had managed to convince themselves I was some protagonist in a chick flick searching for the love of my life. I tried to just concentrate on eating instead, although it was distracting when Ron and Hermione started doing that couple thing where they spoon-fed each other. Yuck. To further my misfortune, I was drawn into a painful conversation when Parvati Patil and somebody that looked familiar rocked up.

"Hello Harry," she said icily. I stopped eating with half a broccoli sticking out of my mouth. Considering our dance from the Yule ball wasn't brilliant, she couldn't have had anything nice to say.

"Are you Harry's unfortunate date this time?" she asked looking coldly at Luna.

"Yes," Luna said dazedly, not noticing anything amiss. "Nice to meet you."

"I pity you," Parvati said. "Harry isn't a particularly good dancer, or a good date. The entire time we went out he sat there sulking like a baby."

"Hey!" I protested. "You weren't a gleaming ray of sunshine either."

"Yeah but that was because you were a lousy date," Parvati stated nonchalantly as she scooped potatoes onto her plate.

"Hi Padma," Ron said looking up from his spoon-feeding. Hermione wiped off some soup that was dribbling down his chin like a baby. "How's it going?"

"I'm Parvati," she said through gritted teeth.

"Hey," I said suddenly, just remembering where I had seen her date from before. "You're that guy who got stood up in Madam Puddifoots!"

At this Parvati got up abruptly, grabbed her unfortunate date by the arm and stormed away before he could reply. He looked over his shoulder sadly at me as he was dragged away.

"Sorry about that," I said to Luna. However, she didn't seem to be paying attention to me. She was gazing up at the balloons floating near the ceiling.

"I think I see a Cornish Pixie," she said.

I sighed. "Luna there is no such thing as a Cornish Pix – " Wait a minute. They existed. I looked up. Sure enough the blue creatures were flittering about the balloons. One of them had a needle.

"Uh oh."

POP! One of the balloons went zooming around the room. It hit Dumbledore's hat, knocked a pitcher of orange juice into Neville's girlfriend's lap before slapping into Draco Malfoy's face (yesss!). Soon the rogue Cornish Pixie and his friends were popping more balloons and chaos ensued. Well, this had to be one of the more interesting Balls the school had ever hosted. It was a good thing though – Ron and Hermione were getting a little dirty feeding each other strawberries for desert.

"Albus!" Professor McGonagall screamed. "Why did you decorate the Hall with Cornish Pixies?!"

"You mean they're not harmless?" he said dubiously as he ducked under a table.

To Ron's dismay and my relief, Hermione became very preoccupied in capturing the Cornish Pixies so it wouldn't further spoil the night. However a great deal of the couples fled and many of their nights were ruined. Neville's date ran off as soon as her dress was soiled. At this Luna commented, "It's nearing midnight now she has to leave before she turns back into a pumpkin."

I wasn't paying attention to her as I ran around trying to help with the pixie problem. However I looked like a belated hero when Hermione and McGonagall had already cleaned up most of the mess.

"Yeah that's great Harry," Hermione said sarcastically. "Just hold up the wand, pose and look like a hero."

I sheepishly put it away. But at least I had the intention of appearing useful. Ron had been gazing at the scene open-mouthed and didn't manage to do anything at all. Then I remembered I had a date that wasn't taking particularly good care of this evening. However she had disappeared. I saw her talking to Neville, probably consoling him and reassuring him that he was probably better off not going out with a pumpkin. Nevertheless she never came back. Soon most of the couples recovered and returned to the dance floor. And I was standing there awkwardly in the corner in the wonderful situation that I knew I'd have at the ball. At that point I thought, screw it, and just left for the boy's dorm. I knew this night would end badly for me, regardless of what I did.

When I entered the dorm I was surprised to find someone sitting on my bed, his or her face concealed in shadow. Was it Goldilocks? Or was it one of Voldemort's servants? I quickly shoved my wand under the figure's throat. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

Instead of having the courtesy to sound terrified or at least intimidated the shadow gave a tired sigh and flicked on the light switch. It was Ginny. "Harry, if this is how you meet women I can see why you never have any luck with them."

For the second time that night I sheepishly put my wand away. Once again an awkward silence filled the room. I really do have no luck with women.

"So what are you doing here?" I asked.

"What are you doing here?" she retorted immaturely.

"I live here."

"Why aren't you at the ball?"

"Luna ditched me. But that doesn't explain what you're doing up here."

She laughed bitterly. There was something cruel about it.

"Erm, you know what? I'm going to leave now," I said and made for the Common Room.

"No wait Harry, I'm sorry."

"Why are you acting like this? You've been acting weird lately. You kneed me in the gonads; you've been trying to laser me with your eyes and you have invaded my private sanctuary."

"Pfft. There's nothing private about this place. Look, Seamus's Playwizard magazines are everywhere and I don't even want to know what that thing is on his bed!"

"Right. Seamus's. Still, that doesn't explain your behavior. Just tell me what's going on?"

At this point Ginny got so frustrated with me that she grabbed my pillow and started thrashing me with it. Goose feathers flew everywhere. I was going to have to steal Neville's later on.

"How" – Bash! – "do" – Bash! – "you" – Bash! – "not" – Bash! – "get" – Bash! – "this! I love you!"

I stared at her. She stared back. Then the door opened.

"I assure you our dorm is very nice," Seamus said bringing his date into the room. Then he took a look at a very huffed and angry Ginny and a terrified me on the bed covered in goose feathers.

"You know, I always suspected you liked it rough," he said to Ginny. "Harry, you know the code is a tie on the right?"

"Er, right, yep," I said as Seamus exited the door, leaving another uncomfortable stillness in his wake.

"I'm gonna go now," Ginny said abruptly and made to leave. I grabbed her by the shoulder.

"Don't go. Stay with me," I said. I wasn't expecting that to come out of my mouth but it did.

She smiled and gave out her hand. "Maybe I should have made it clearer since you so thick. Dance with me?"

"Um, sure."

It was a bit weird at first. The dormitory is a crowded place so we kept bumping into everything. Not to mention all the crap that Neville keeps on the floor – no wonder he's always tripping over himself. There was also the fact that I was dancing with my best friend's sister. But it was fun. And I'd rather be doing this in privacy than out there on the dance floor. Or at least I had thought it was private. The next day I found the headline, "Loon Dumps Potter but Goes out with an Abusive Redhead after she Threatens to Murder" by Rita Skeeter. She must have had the room bugged. Literally. Ah well. It was a good night.

And so ends the chronicles of my life as a third wheel. The solution is to get a girlfriend yourself! I'm not sure whether that's a good moral of the story but it worked for me.

**A/N: My apologies for once again taking forever taking forever to upload something. And so end this tale of the Third Wheel. I hope you all enjoyed it and thank you all for the reviews. **


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